Friday, September 17, 2010

Feeling reflective...

It’s a fact that C and I are getting older. We’ve got wrinkles. I’m moving closer to my mid thirties and C is warming up to 40. WHERE does the time go? Even with all the ups and downs, life has been a good journey so far and maybe that’s why things have gone so fast. Time flies. Yes it does. So I guess it’s no surprise to admit we’ve had kids on our mind for the last year. And it’s been tough. Tough to realise that it’s not easy to get pregnant. Our society puts so much focus on a woman’s role as mother and there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t see a magazine yelling about someone’s BABY JOY or IS THAT A BABY BUMP? No, it’s just a little tummy from eating yummy cake.

Not getting pregnant has given us a lot of time to really think through what it means to be a parent. And to talk about how we want to bring up our kids. Naturally, there have also been fears of things going wrong with pregnancy, birth and kids. Miscarriages, still born babies and kids with disabilities are not issues those glossy mags readily address (although here's a lovely blog post about dealing with miscarriage by Owlet). And sometimes, they’re issues that not even our families want to talk about. All is well when everything goes right but it can be easier (definitely not better) to ignore sadness and grief when it happens. Not something I think is good at all.

The main thing we’ve had to realise is that kids may not be destined for us. The expense of IVF and adoption make these options far from our reach so if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. When we first decided to try and get pregnant, people told us how easy it would be. I went into the whole thing thinking it would take two months or so. Nope. It’s 16 months and counting. Over time we’ve learned to slowly let go of wishing too hard. It’s been made easier knowing we have full lives as they currently are. A kid would be a lovely addition and we would not say no but we have so many other nice things to focus on. We love travel. We love to be creative. We love to collect designer toys. We love our music. We love our cat (and are fully prepared to continue adopting RSPCA pets for the rest of our lives). I know so many awesome ladies who have decided not to have kids at all. Life is truly good the way it is.

So I guess I’d like to end with something I wish I had been told from the get go - if you don’t get pregnant or have chosen not to have kids, there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are lovely and perfect as you are. This world is huge and there are so many other things to explore. Don’t stress about feeling inadequate for not being like that young girl you see in the street with the baby. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we expect and underneath all the disappointment there can be good. LOTS of good. Trust me!






  1. Absolutely, i certainly don't judge anyone on why or how they do or don't have children. There are so many reasons & most of all, it's not my life so it's not my business. Health professionals & medicos will tell you all the statistics on the dangers & trials of pregnancy, put the glossy magazines down as they're not going to help. Now i'm sure you'll hear the "it will happen when you stop trying", i'm afraid only time will tell. Just like when you're dating & people want to know when you're getting married, or married & people want to know when you're going to start a family, or pregnant & people want to know how many children you want . . . no one really knows for sure. All the best, really, no one who loves you in real life is judging you, just wishing what you want, your dreams, that they come true. Love Posie

  2. You're the best
    x x
    societal expectations are the worst!

  3. Nice post. I'm know kids aren't for me so people tend to think I'm anti kids but with three nephews and friends with kids that I love, i don't think so...once again, societal pressure to make us feel inadequate...and once again, I don't think so...I choose foot loose (not the movie) and fancy free!

  4. Thanks lovely ladies :) It's been the same for me, not having kids makes me appear to be anti-kids but that's not true at all. I never really thought about actually not being able to have kids so it's taken a while to get used to that being a possibility. How much importance the media and our Western society in general place on a woman's role as mother was not something I noticed until I wanted a break from all the focus on babies. Gah! You just can't get away from it!

    Anyways, I think it's awesome to be around ladies who get out there and do LOTS of things - kids or no kids.

  5. Wow, B. Wow wow wow. how I desperately wish I had said those things to you 16 months ago. They are completely true. Please forgive my short-sightedness. Sometimes I so deeply want more common ground for you and I that I miss your side of things completely. There are no children that could make you any more "lovely and prefect" than you are. That's a truth I should have probrably sad out loud long ago...I guess wishing for you what I knew you wished for yourself kept me from saying or even thinking such a gracious sentiment. All I have thought was:"that's what B would like. I want that for her." But there are curve balls. And surprises. And above all, I am so happy that your contentment is palpable as always. It's admirable. I love you.

  6. A really good post Briony. Makes you think and wonder hey? I never had kids through choice, so can't really say I know how you're feeling or thinking, but it's something I don't regret at all. It's great that you have become comfortable with your "curve ball" as your sister puts it! :) What a beautiful comment she has left. So, with people like her and your lovely kitties around you, I'm sure you'll get on just fine.
    Thanks for dropping by my blog. x


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